Battle in the Mind of an Author

[Disclaimer: This scene merely represents reality and is not an exact replay of what occurred.]

(Author is writing scene for the first time with a male and female character.)

He kissed her. After a few moments, she pulled away.

“No. I can’t do this,” she said.

He frowned. “Why?”

(Author pauses her typing.)

Female character: I don’t know.

Male character: You don’t know? We were just making out and you don’t know why you stopped me?

Female character: She hasn’t written that yet.

Male character: What? Who? What are you talking about?

Female character: The author. She hasn’t written my history yet, so I don’t know why I can’t do this with you.

Male character to author: Why doesn’t she know?

(Author raises her brow.)

Author: Well, she hasn’t lived it yet.

Male character: Well, hurry up and write it ‘cause I’m dying here.

Author: You don’t understand.  I can only write what you do.

Male character: I thought writers created the world their characters live in, like with outlines and stuff.

Author: Some authors do.

Male character: (shakes head)  What kind of author are you?

Author: Panster.

Male character: A what?

Author: I write what you guys live out in my head. When I get stuck, like now, then I go back, do some research, listen to music, or whatever else inspires me to think up a history. For now, I’m just riding along wherever you take me.

Male character: You’ve got to be kidding me. So, I have to wait until you’re inspired before I can be with her?

Author: Well, uh, not exactly. She gets to decide whether you can be with her, and right now, she doesn’t want to, so…

Male character to female character: Is that true? I thought we had something here.

Female character: We do. I totally enjoy being with you, but I don’t want to do this right now. I just don’t know why yet. Maybe it has something to do with my ex.

Male character: What the-?

Author: Keep in clean. I got young eyes reading this too.

Male character: (takes deep breath) Fine. I’ll wait, but don’t take too long. I’m on fire here.

Author: Um. Will see. Can you do me a favor?

Male character: What?

Author: Could you stay out of my head so I can, you know, work, take care of my family, and stuff? I got things to do.

Male character: Ha! No guarantees here. I’m eager to get going, and I’ve already waited three years to see where this goes.

Author: My brain. My rules.

Male character: (sighs) I’ll do my best. Better not mess with the writer, huh?

Author: Don’t worry. I won’t write you out of the story. I like you too much. I just need time to think this out, okay?

Male character: Okay.

Author: So, what should I write next?

Male character: Well, I’m frustrated, so I’m going to sleep on the couch. Write that.

Author to female character: And you?

Female character: I’m going to have me a good cry because I really hurt him.

Author: Got it.

(Author commences typing and ends scene with...)

“Fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He opened the door and stepped out.

Right when he shut the door, tears streamed down her cheeks.

(Author saves file and walks away. She needs some time to recover from this battle. Problem is, the war is far from over. The song “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley comes to mind.)